Just woke up to a horrible dream of 2010.
I was inside of a Psychology doctor's office when the lights started to dim. I'm talking very visible light and at the same time utter darkness. The environment was scary as fuck where the only light sources seem to be the "good" way to look at something if you don't want to get scared.

Anyways, I was in this office with MinJi when a doctor appeared out of nowhere. Bald on the top while wearing circular prescription glasses, I couldn't really look at him clearly due to the light that was switching constantly from on him to off him. The light, when showed on him he took in a grayish-hue like the static in Silent Hill. Damn I hate that game to hell.

I was talking to the doctor about something, I can't seem to remember what when all of a sudden he started to take on many scary ass forms. He turned into some sort of monster and started to rip my legs apart, then started to eat me whole when I blinked in dream and realized it was all fake. It was a hallucination done by the doctor (which is the first of many).

He then told me to get the door. I contested and pleaded that nobody knocked but the doctor (back in human form) told me to get the door. I opened the door and saw a brick wall, but I had anticipated this trick of his and quickly stared back at him. I stared quickly back in time to see him shrink down into a vicious little puppy dog that bore his teeth out.

"I saw you. You're getting slow doc."

He then transformed back into human form and asked me some more questions. He then made my vision disappear. The last thing I saw before he blackened my vision was him transforming into some sort of blanket (thank god not the snuggie)

I felt something sharp grabbing my foot as it started to slowly drag me into that last known location. I screamed and hollered, but nobody helped me. Right before I was to disappear forever underneath that shitty blanket, the "doc" stopped. "Have you learned anything," he asked me. His voice seemed to come from everywhere.

"Is this a test of love? Is this how I'm supposed to feel?" I screamed this to the doctor, even though deep down inside I felt like shit. Yeah I felt bad for leaving her in Korea, yeah I felt bad that she had to spend the New Year's alone...

But I still love her. And we ARE going to meet in March.

I woke up with these experiences, memories, pains, and this vivid dream still implanted in mind. I felt a strong wave of sadness overcome my body. I started to cry.

Warning, this post has plenty of explicit language. Your mistake if you want to keep on reading...

I have been trying to get a post up, trying to organize my thoughts into one organized group of ideas (like a book)

Lately I've been dealing with serious thoughts, depressive thoughts, thoughts of worthlessness, just feeling blue.

-------------School Stuffz

So it's my last week of teaching. One thing I do love about Korea is the kids try to show that they care. Usually in the states, if you an okay teacher you probably would get nothing. Maybe a nod of recognition, a smile, or maybe a thank you. In Korea however, they give you presents, they give you a big ass card signed by the whole class, they take time to take pictures with you, they make you feel like the King or Queen of a shanty town called High School.

The kids they really did something special. They drew an anime version of me!!! They gave me candy, choco-pies, and they gave me two big ass cards with hand-written personalized notes addressed to me. It was GREAT. The problem is I'm not a real teacher. I'm still a college student with a year or two left to go, I don't have a degree in English, I feel like I've done shit. In classes of 30, I feel like I accomplished nothing. But in classes of 5, I feel like I connected. I tried to keep it professional, with a side of reality. I tried to tell em, I tried to make em learn in a unbiased way. I did my best and I think that is all there is to it.

----------Random Encounter

So I'm not a big talker (in fact I like to listen). Some teacher came up to me today in school and this teacher, I barely make conversation with. She said, "Hey, arn't ya cold?"

Sure I was wearing a T-shirt that is fit for summer time, but I simply pointed to the THICK, INSULATED COAT that was behind my back and in obvious line of sight for her to see. "I wear a coat," I said. "It's very warm."

"Did you forget to do your laundry," she joked, laughing at her own joke. "I did my laundry yesterday," I replied. "Oh, I see." She then started to walk away. Like wtf was that all about? Maybe she tried to talk to me because she knew I was going to leave. That brings to question:

If you knew that you were not going to come back to the workplace again, would you keep talking to these people, or would you simply not give a damn?

To the people that I did happen to be good co-workers, friends with, I would keep being nice to them. But to those strangers that suddenly want to be in your lives, then fuck that.

----------Health

Gained some weight on Friday. MinJi and I went to a Mexican? style meat buffet (Sao Paulo) and just simply GORGED on the endless beef that they supplied. I believe it was called the Churrasco? They offered like 10 different kinds of beef, all for 25,000won ($25). My overall restaurant rating: 5 stars for the food, 5 stars for the price, 5 stars for atmosphere, but 2 stars for service. It took me like 20 minutes and 3 waiters/waitresses to two glasses of water.   -_-

On Sunday went to ANOTHER damn buffet. This time, my dear uncle, somewhere on my mother's side, hosted a party for me, kimmy, the newly wedded cousins, and some random dude (although he is family). Ate a lot of food.

-----------Mistakes, Dark History, and ME

So yeah, I know that we have been fighting over reasons. Stupid reasons, really. Reasons that should NOT allow couples to break up, but people do it anyways. For example, I have been loyal. I never cheated and never thought about cheating and I made sure I showed my love, but sometimes it's hard. I think the most important thing in a relationship is communication. If he's hot, or if she's a looker, but can't talk, then GG.

I don't like how girls want guys to "read" their minds. It would be much easier for me and for the world if girls could simply say what they wanted.

My weakness is whenever there is a problem, I seem to just want to quickly end the relationship. Feelin bad over there, well let's take a break. Angry at me for not being able to read your mind, well fuck that and fuck you, it's over!

The point is, I want to fix this problem. This is my first love, she is my first. She is the only person that made me put meaning into the word love when I say, "I love you."

I hate it when she cries, but sometimes when she cries, I'm not human. I feel like a robot. Did you know my major is Psychology? Do you know why I majored in Psychology, dear reader? I wanted to learn more about Psychology so I could control my feelings. I got soooo damn good at it to the point where I actually demanded and thought for every action there is a REASON. This obsession of REASON and ACTION got sooo bad that I thought everyone else was crazy if they didn't agree with me. Quick Question dear reader:

For every action that a person does, is there a reason, or a valid reason to support it?

Anyways you see this cold, mean-faced, tamed soldier that's fighting an invisible war on terror. No, not the war on the Taliban, or the war on Al-Quaida, but the war on the terror of NOT being human. I act selfish, I act cold, I act like a cold slice of bacon that's just chilling on the frying pan, BEGGING to be cooked.

This part of the story is very personal, keep reading if you want...

I remember I was little. I remember we lived in a small apartment in Florida. Timberwood Trace, that place was called. I liked how me and my brother could just play between the signs, hide between the bushes, and just have a good time. We were small, we were young, we didn't know the moral to the story called life. OUR LIVES HAS JUST BEGUN AT THAT AGE DAMMIT. When you are little, you can't seem to make an impact on adults. In fact you are TOO DEPENDANT on adults.

Anywho, I remember it was bathtime. The brother and I went to the bathtub and splished and splashed around. My mother then came to scrub us clean, to scrub us because it was her duty. Something happened that day. I think we made her mad. I think she got angry. She then grabbed the brother and forced his head below the soapy, bathwater. I saw him struggle as he tried to surface...

I screamed and grabbed mom's... no not mom's, but the monster's arms. I tried to pull those stumps of flesh away from my brother, but I simply could not. I didn't know how much time has passed, but time seemed to slow and hasten. I was in my own black hole, my own multi-dimensional, string theory, whatever theory that allowed time to skip and go slow-mo.

I saw those eyes. Those dark... those eyes. To this day I can't even describe those eyes. I'm not even sure if I'm looking AT EYES DAMMIT.

It was my turn to go down. I saw those hands come for me, I saw those arms reach out for me. I tried to resist, but YOU CAN'T FIGHT. YOU TRY TO FIGHT, BUT YOU JUST FAIL! YOU WANT TO STOP, BUT IT JUST KEEPS COMING. YOU ARE JUST A KID, YOU CAN'T DO SHIT! YOU'RE AT THE MERCY OF THE ELITE, IT'S NOT UNDER YOUR CONTROL. THERE IS NO CONTROL. NO CONTROL.

There is simply, no, fucking, control.

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You could say that I have A LOT of control when it comes to displaying my emotions. Maybe that's why I keep it under wraps like a government conspiracy project *cough 9-11

Maybe that's why I listen to other people's problems...         ...I wonder if mom knows she tried to kill us that day.

Will be back in January, Plenty of things to do in December, people to say goodbye to.

~Brother bought a PS3, a new tv, and other sorts of goodies. Take care everyone, enjoy your holidays.